How To Have The SEX Talk

Dr. Michelle Deering

When you hear the word “sex,” what feeling immediately comes up for you? For countless women – and moms, in particular – the topic of sex brings up a variety of feelings. As her mom, how then are you to talk about sex with your daughter?

 

If your daughter hasn’t asked you about sex, then you have (some) time to prepare. If she has already asked you about sex, then the following are some additional things that you might want to pause to consider as you continue conversing with her about the topic.

 

 

It’ll be important to remember: talking about sex with your daughters is an ongoing thing.

 

That conversation happens in different ways. at different stages, with different levels of detail. As a mom, that is going to be something that you need to tailor.

 

In tailoring your conversation at each stage, keeping S.E.X. in mind as you discuss sex with you daughter will be key:

Safety

As a mom, to your daughter, it’s going to be very important for you to always bear in mind ways in which you get across to her about how to keep herself safe. Specifically, you’ll want to make sure you’re modeling for her what establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries looks like.

 

It could be something as simple as putting a boundary around your time. Maintaining a boundary around your word; when you give your word that something’s going to happen at a particular time, that you do keep your word as such. Do you show up on time or when you say you’ll show up? That’s one end of the spectrum.black mom and tween daughter

 

The other end of the spectrum has to do with, say, physical boundaries. Consider what appropriate physical boundaries that you are establishing for your daughter and instructing her to have. Establishing physical boundaries and teaching and modeling for her how to do is key.

 

Your daughter also needs to know that her “No” is respected.

 

Now for moms with infants and toddlers, “No” has a different purpose than when they are older. Infants and toddlers need to be kept safe and secure.

 

But for those moms with daughters who are elementary school age and up, they need to grow in their own self-advocacy. That self-advocacy starts with you demonstrating and modeling for her your respect for her “No.” This is the way that she’ll know that her “No” ought to – and can be – respected.

 

All of this is what goes into establishing a sense of safety.

 

Emotional Intelligence (“EQ”)

 

With regards to the “E” in sex, it’ll be important for you to gauge and keep in mind what your daughter’s emotional EQ is.

 

In past decades, much emphasis has been on “IQ” (intellectual quotient) in terms of academic achievement. Only in recent years has attention turned to emotional EQ.

 

How does your daughter relate with her peers? Is she aware of other people’s feelings, thoughts, and physical space. Emotional intelligence is what helps someone know how to navigate social situations.

 

At different developmental stages, each daughter – whether she’s in the toddler stage elementary school stage, tweens and teens, young adults, or adults – develops a certain way. So, it’s going to be important to, to keep that in mind and when you’re thinking about talking to her about sex.

 

For example, if you have an elementary school-aged daughter, then if you choose to talk to her about sex you might have to have the conversation a certain way but not go into a lot of detail. Again, that’s all dependent on your assessment of where she is “EQ”-wise.

 

X-Out

The last, but not least, thing to keep in mind as you’re thinking about having the sex talk with your daughter has to do with the “X.” “X” means to X-out.

 

“X” is usually used to mark either a spot or territory.

 

What territory are you to mark?

 

mother and daughter_whiteThe territory that you have established as the parent in the mother-daughter relationship. As a mom, you have an inordinate amount of power as her parent.

 

Your parental role is not to flaunt your power position over or to control your daughter. Instead, it’s to oversee what’s going on and determine what will go on in your daughter’s life to different degrees as she’s developing into a young woman.

 

As her mom, you have to realize that you have a voice.

 

There are times when moms might bend to (mom) peer pressure and just do things just because “all the other moms do.” That approach may warrant some reconsideration.

 

The other thing about “X” is that it also can mark out a destination that you want for your daughter.

 

If you’re an archer and have an arrow in the bow, you have to look at a target – know what you’re aiming it towards.  You also have to know the condition of your arrow (and the weather) to know how it’s going to fly when you release it.

 

You just don’t willy-nilly release the arrow; otherwise it’ll end up nowhere, off-course; or worse yet, hurt something/someone else, or get hurt itself.

 

Same for your daughter and you “X”-ing – identifying – a target for her when it comes to talking to her about sex.

 

SUMMARY:

When it come to having the sex talk with your daughter the “3 Keys” to keep in mind are:

 

S for Safety as it relates boundaries and establishing that pattern of modeling that for her.

 

E for Emotional Intelligence (“EQ”) as it relates to attending to her emotions and how she navigates social situations.

 

X for “X”-out of both the territory that you have as the parent in the relationship and the target goal direction you have for her.


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