During our SUV’s routine oil change a week ago, my mechanic informed me that I would need a new set of tires. I suspected that he might tell me that, given the low-level “thudding” I’d been hearing during the many driving jaunts I have to do as a mother. I scheduled the appointment and showed up two weeks later to have the new tires installed, balanced, and aligned.
I rushed back on the road to complete my errands. Something felt different. But I ignored it.
However, a few days later during an early morning drive, that “something different” felt palpable. My ride was way smoother (no thudding sounds) and my car was more solidly controllable especially on the tight turns. It all got me thinking about my mother and daughter clients who, after implementing my recommended changes, experience a “difference” in their interactions.
New Tires: Install New Patterns
Often a source of conflict between moms and daughters stems from a (old) pattern of unmanaged emotions. There are trigger events that precede and follow those emotions.
Much of what comprises behavior patterns stems from what a mom or daughter perceives and how she interprets the experience. That circuitry – from perception to interpretation – informs and influences her feelings. Those feelings then influence her actions.
If that circuitry goes unexamined and unchallenged, then the loop becomes automatic. In particular, the more painful or hurtful the experience, the quicker the loop occurs resulting in “knee jerk” (re)actions. Those (re)actions can become habitual patterns that cause the familiar “thuds” that mothers and daughters wind up accepting as being “just the way things are between us.”
As moms and daughters drive through life with an old set of tires , metaphorically-speaking, they each may notice but ignore the thudding. Then the thudding becomes “annoying” which then turns to anger. They then seek out help (from a relationship “mechanic,” like me) and get help installing new patterns. Once those “new tires” are installed, they then have to get readjusted to the new way things roll.
New Tires: Balance With New Understanding
That new way of rolling means that they each now have to actually use their new understanding of how their relationship “car” will function. New understanding is hard to implement…for everyone.
For example, moms of daughters who are transitioning from pre-K to kindergarten will have to understand what her new “mom roll” will be. This “roll” will look and feel different from a mom whose daughter is going from high school to college. A key component during the adjustment will be in what and how you each communicate with each other.
New Tires: Align New Communications
Communications between moms and daughters evolve in many ways. When daughters are young, they wonder “how’d my mom know that?” as the aura of supremacy hovers over her mother’s head in her eyes. Daughters then switch to “my mom doesn’t (really) know anything” when she enters her tween/teen years. If you’re a mom reading this blog, please know that your consistent understanding presence—and not merely your words—in your daughter’s life goes a long way in communicating you love her.
If you want to know more about how to be present with your daughter in an understanding way, SCHEDULE A CONSULT CALL today!
I’m here to help you so that you won’t get tired in your efforts; but just get new tires.